But I did all the things!

Yesterday I woke up nice and early. I thought of three things I’m grateful for, and another that I’m looking forward to. I did yoga. I drank water. I meditated. I took a twenty -minute walk in the sunshine with my dogs. I even ate a healthy breakfast. I did all the things you’re supposed to do, all the things that should work. But I still felt shitty. Really shitty.

So…

I listened to a funny podcast. I sang a song. I accomplished several tasks on my work to-do list, and a few more on my personal one. I made plans with friends. I chatted with my hubby about my feelings.

And guess what?

I STILL felt really, really, shitty.

Maybe it was hormones, or stress, or anxiety about all the transitions going on. Maybe it was a combination of all the above. But no matter why, literally NOTHING I tried was working to improve my shitty, shitty mood.

And then I got the news. A pipe had backed up from a sewer line and flooded the campus where I work. Luckily, none of the classrooms were affected, just the hall, part of the lobby, and one office. The one that happens to be my office.

Now, it was truly a shitty situation.

And so I laughed. I laughed because sometimes things are so ridiculous that life leaves you no choice. Then I cried in my car and drove to hang out with my friends, where I actually had a fun time. My shitty mood was still there, but at least I forgot about it for a little while.

When I got home, I said fuck it to the water and healthy food (it hadn’t helped me much before). My husband made yummy burgers and plenty of fries, accompanied by a big glass of wine and some comfort Netflix with an ice cream chaser. I was still in an awful mood, but I was cozy, and full, and grateful. So that’s something.

And that’s the thing. I’ve got a ton of tools in my belt from decades of discovering what works to help me day to day. Some are great for anxiety, some for anger, or sadness, or stress, But the truth is there are going to be days when none of them do the trick. Sometimes, no matter my most valiant effort, it’s just going to be a shitty day.

I know the mess at work will get cleaned up. All my stuff is just stuff and can be replaced. I’m never going to be happy about the situation, but at least I can laugh about it a bit before crying.

And sometimes, even if a toilet doesn’t explode in my hallway, I;m still going to have a shitty day. And there may be no real reason at all. Life’s a mystery, and there’s way too many variables to be able to pinpoint exactly what’s going on every single day. We can’t all be positive and happy and optimistic all the time. How annoying would that be anyway?

I know my tools still work, even if I wasn’t able to locate the perfect one yesterday. And although my mood never vastly improved, I did manage to accomplish getting through my day, following through on tasks, and not taking my shitty mood out on anyone else. Pretty big deals for someone who was never taught a single one of these skills.

Growing up, my mother’s insanity caused her to take every single bit of unpleasant emotion out on anyone within shooting distance, which unfortunately, was mostly me. It was also her excuse for all her failures and false-starts. There was no taking responsibility for her own emotions, and certainly no attempts at self-regulation or even understanding.

Yesterday my mood was mine, no one else’s. I never blamed anyone else for it, or even any circumstances. And no one was responsible for improving my mood but me. I didn’t let my mood prevent me from doing all the things I had to do, or hold me back from doing the fun things either.

Sometimes I can try all the things and it seems like they’re not working at all, but maybe, if I dig a little deeper, they’re working exactly as they should. I can wish that I always have the secret tool to make every day sunshine and rainbows. But that’s unrealistic. If at the end of the day all I have are the tools to help keep me moving forward, then maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t so shitty a day after all.