Dead Ends

In the Tarot deck one of the most misunderstood cards is the Death card. Although often depicted as a spooky skeleton, or a cloaked reaper, its creepy outward appearance does well to hide the possibilities inherent within. Death is the biggest symbol of change. It almost never symbolizes actual death, but rather the transformations arriving at one’s doorstep. Like most folks I know, I wish and pray for change on a daily basis. We want so much for all the good things to arrive, to grow, and to learn, and step into the best version of ourselves. But are we really ready for these opportunities to knock on our door right this very minute?

This week I made a change and cut off the length of my hair. It was full of dead ends. It was time. My hair, and I, desperately needed the change. Yet, despite all that reality, I didn’t really want to cut it. Why? Well, maybe for many reasons…maybe I’ve been hiding behind it, maybe I’ve gotten too attached to it, maybe I have ideas of beauty all tangled up in it (see what I did there?).

Cutting off those dead ends ain't always easy

Or maybe it’s just because change is really, really, hard.

Just because I know it’s time to say goodbye, doesn’t always mean it’s easy. Death, and the change that it allows, isn’t always a welcome companion. As I strive to continue breaking destructive, or even just unhelpful cycles in my life, I realize that letting go of each cycle is its own little death. There are patterns of anxiety, of perfectionism, and of addiction that, although they may not serve me now, did for a long time. I may know that they are all dead ends too, but they were mine. They were familiar, known, and expected, and what will I look like without them?

Stepping into the unknown, whether welcome and worked for, or sudden and thrust upon one, can be uncomfortable to say the least. Exciting? Possibly. But daunting as well. Having survived abuse for so long while growing up, my ability to fully trust anything, let alone trusting the process of letting go of what has served me for some strange new possibility, has often seemed impossible. How could I possibly lay aside all I’ve ever known and trust in myself, the universe, or the future, to deliver what I desire when all that I ever knew brought disappointment?

In the recovery community, they often say that a person has to hit their own personal rock bottom in order to finally make a change. I’ve hit my own rock bottom, and it did inspire me to turn my life around. But what they don’t tell you is that there are many, many, many, many, many bottoms that an individual will have to hit along the way toward their path to fulfillment. Sure, these bottoms I’m hitting now won’t have me waking up alone on a city sidewalk covered in my own vomit, but that doesn’t mean they’re any easier. Some mean taking fully taking stock of relationships, some mean moves, and career changes, stepping out of denial, or even just learning to shut up and listen for a change.

That’s why most change is slow. It takes some getting used to. Even sudden deaths are initially met with a period of denial, because most of us are not great with immediate change. We’ve all heard stories about the lottery winners and megastars who lost their fortune as suddenly as they received it. Because of course they did. They were the same person, with the same mindset, in a set of overwhelming circumstances with no moment to adjust.

So, this haircut is going to take some getting used to. And I know it’s just hair. It will grow back again, albeit a little grayer than before. Because nothing stays the same. Change, like death, is inevitable. But I get braver every day. With practice, I get better and better at leaning into the inevitability of change and the discomfort it may bring. If I’m going to achieve all the goals I mean to, then I guess I better get really, really good at being uncomfortable.

Another goal to add to my ever-growing list is to make better friends with death  — well, maybe not friends exactly, but perhaps more comfortable acquaintances. Like neighbors who take the same bus route and may sit side by side from time to time. Maybe, someday, I’ll even be happy to see Death. But for now, I’m working on getting used to Death’s presence and the reminder to let go of what’s no longer working to allow more of what I desire to arrive.