The Mess Detector

The superpower I never wanted

If I were a superhero my name would be The Mess Detector. It’s not a particularly helpful superpower, but put me in any room and my super-enhanced-mess-detector-vision will instantaneously zero in on any perceptible mess. Cobweb in the corner, dust on the shelf, chip in the paint, scuff on the baseboard — I can suss out each and every mar in any space I’ve entered in a matter of nanoseconds. Don’t get me wrong, I hold no judgement or attachment to these messes I’ve detected, just a vague impulse to right them that it usually squelched by whatever is happening in the moment. Usually…

I recognize the roots of my Mess Detector identity. In the depths of a dark traumatic past where my rueful arch nemesis “The Mother” would use any and every excuse, like a crumb on a counter, or a stain she didn’t want to take responsibility for, as a reason to inflict her abusive forms of punishment. It’s no wonder my Spidey-sense developed to detect grime.

This alter-ego identity makes it super-fun for others to be around me on days when my anxiety is high. My kids like to joke about Mama’s “million messes,” or what in actuality is a cup on the counter and another in the sink. But to me, there really are a million messes. The Mess Detector sees them all! Even if nobody else does. But alas, it’s a frustrating existence for The Mess Detector because there is no such thing as a perfectly clean space. And even if you try your best, by the time you get to the end of your tasks, it’s just time to start over.

I’ve grown up in folks' homes where they were crippled by this anxiety. My mother’s hoarding only grew as I did. She went from being able to maintain some semblance of a home, to living in pathways of boxes and bags. She never lifted a finger to clean or put anything away, but blamed me for the mess of her life.

Her sister went the other direction for a while, attempting to live up to some impossible standard of perfectionism, which caused her to criticize her kid for not being neat enough while still in diapers. Wiping invisible specks of dust from glass tables was another favorite pastime. Eventually, she slid down a similar path as my mother. Unable to live up to her own impossible standards, she built a wall of boxes to hide behind as well. They were both totally nuts, of course, which left me to break this cycle and figure out how to live somewhere in the middle of these two extremes.

With my super Mess Detector abilities, I do prefer things neat and clean. But I also live with some adorable mess-makers; a husband, two kids, and two dogs, who, although they may appreciate a neat living space, are not always so inclined to participate in maintaining order.

Some days, the snake may be my favorite of the bunch (they make one of the neatest pets!). And some days I’m even the one making the messes. So how do I turn my superpower off and just chill? Well, I haven’t totally figured that one out quite yet. When leaving a dish in the sink at twelve years old got me a concussion and kicked out for two weeks, it’s hard to let a sink full of dishes just sit there and know it will all be okay, even as an adult. But I am getting better at not letting my anxiety about the inevitable messes that are made, and cleaned, and made again ruin my day.

The biggest cycle that I was able to break, the one I’m most grateful for every single day, is creating a loving family of my own. And even The Mess Detector understands that families are messy. I’ve been in many homes where the folks inside strive for a perfect outward appearance, and I found all those homes boring, and cold, and way too fucking restrained. The opposite of what I want for my family. So, if I want to create a home that’s fun, and warm, and inviting, then, well, it looks like I’m going to have to relax about the dusty baseboards and cuddle up with those I love instead. Easy choice.

I hope someday my Mess Detector superpowers will retire, but for now I’m working on giving them more days off than on. Maybe I can even develop a new superpower! Maybe, with practice, I can grow my ability to detect all the millions of things that I’m so grateful for in any moment. Maybe that new superpower will eventually defeat the Mess Detector in a quiet battle over the flow of time. But for now, as I sit in my new home, surrounded by boxes that need unpacking, rooms that need organizing, and floors that need mopping, I can appreciate the fact that I’m able to let them be for the moment, that I have a new home to enjoy, and a messy, amazing, loving family of my own to enjoy it with.